My Ayahuasca Experience: Part 3 - Forgiveness

Thank you for joining me on this journey. Recently I embarked on a trip to Sacred Valley Peru where I took part in a 5 day ayahuasca retreat. What you are about to read is my answer to the question I have received several times since my return “so, how was it?” Putting this into words has been helpful for me to recall the valuable lessons I was scared I would forget. The majority of the insights I gained seemed to come from out-of-this-world and were communicated to me not with words, but with visions, sensations and a deep, unexplainable sense of knowing. I have chosen to write about this for two main reasons. The first is to ensure that I have something to refer back to whenever I feel lost. The second is to share my experience with anyone who is interested in discovering what can happen when we open your hearts and quiet our minds. When I look out into the world right now, I see a lot of people living without awareness of the beauty within and all around us. I feel called to remind each and every one of us what is always available and awaiting our engagement. Nothing I experienced was due to some special gift or secret talent. I got silent, asked the medicine to show me where my roadblocks were and made a promise to myself and to God that I would pursue the teachings above everything else, even if that meant my life would move in another direction entirely. I am still figuring out what that is, but I can say with absolute certainty that my values and Truths are much more significant than the medium I choose to live them through. During these ceremonies I surrendered - completely - and it was the most beautiful, insightful, scary and helpful experience I have ever had in my 30 years of existence on this Earth.

Before we begin, I would kindly ask that you read parts 1 and 2 prior to embarking through the final piece of the series. Each ceremony went deeper and deeper, peeling back the layers necessary to finally get here. After reading all 3 parts, any questions or comments will be happily received. It is much easier for me to answer questions then to try and explain everything from the start. So I say to you again; Thank you for being here.

Part 1 can be found here.

Part 2 can be found here.

N o w ,   l e t 's   b  e  g  i  n .

The Day After The Second Ceremony

It’s morning; There’s a hesitancy to open my eyes. I do a quick mental scan to see if the connection I felt the night prior has evaded me. I feel a small jolt of panic; It’s definitely not the same feeling I had before I went to sleep; Today’s just going to be a normal day. The fear I experienced 6 short hours ago when I made the choice not to leave my body was now bearing the fruits of my decision. It’s okay Ty, this is what you chose. I knew the connection I felt to what I cannot describe as anything other than God is a muscle that can be trained. I knew that through writing, meditation, prayer and choosing to see the love in others that this connection has the potential to be a permanent experience but my thoughts began to try and convince me otherwise. I wanted to hang on so deeply to what I felt the previous night; knowing in every waking moment that this connection to God was available but I could see that this would require dedication, commitment and consistency. This much I knew; The medicine removes a barrier, but the dissolution of this thin film is achievable through natural means.

I recited the prayer I had created for myself the night before and reached for my pen and paper. I began to write my recollection of the events as a means of demonstrating my respect, honour and commitment to a process that was already in motion. Once I finished writing I noticed that my roommate Grayson was lying awake in his bed. We asked each other how we were doing and if we felt okay. I mentioned to him that there was a moment during last nights ceremony where I could hear him struggling and that I was able to see him as an extension of myself. In a way thats hard to explain with words, I could see how his wounds were a part of my experience as well. I felt as if he was there to reflect back to me a part of myself that I had just learned to forgive and love unconditionally in the moments prior to hearing his struggle. This process of forgiving myself and having it reflected back to me through others in the room would happen more than once that evening. It was a chance for me to extend the love and compassion I was feeling outward into the world. It didn’t feel random to me at all. It felt like a perfectly orchestrated chain of events. It reminded me that we are all connected, and separation only exists in our minds. I told Grayson that in these moments I was praying for him and sending him as much love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion as I possibly knew how.

After the prayer, the writing and voicing a small part of my experience for the first time, I went outside to meditate. It was the first clear day since I had arrived in The Valley. It felt as if the heavens had opened up in synchronicity with my own inner world, which felt dark and cold during the first ceremony. I meditated for 45 seamless minutes. Prior to this trip to Peru, 10 minutes was all I could do before my mind would want out. As I sat there silent and still, thanking God for the experience He showed me the night before, I felt this deep sense of ease as if the world could do whatever it does and the peace I felt within was a reminder that underneath all of the fog and filters we put up, beauty resides in each and every one of our hearts; It is the flame that never dies. It is always there and all we have to do is listen. This brought me tremendous comfort and sparked a curious thought inside of me. What if I didn’t take a third dose at all? What if I dedicated myself to achieving a similar level of connection from a completely sober state of mind? That thought would be the focus of the entire day. I had a much needed day off from ceremony. I ate 3 meals, meditated, read, napped, made some art and relaxed. I was in bed by 6:30pm that evening.

This Is Where Your Anger Lives

That evening I had woken up from a dream. Immediately after I opened my eyes the door had swung open and Sandra had rushed into the room. She was excited to tell us that they had the telescope out and were using it to look at the full moon. At first, I said I was going to stay in bed, but after she left I decided to get out of bed and take her up on the offer. I put on some warm clothes, wrapped a blanket around me and made my way down to the viewing area. The ceremony had just finished for the other group and the moon was high in the sky, shining bright. We adjusted the telescope and I was able to see the moon in a way I had never been able to before. It was beautiful and significant. I stayed under the night sky a while longer chatting with Sandra about many different topics. While discussing with her the events of my second ceremony, I had a wonderful realization; If you read part 2, you know that at one point during the middle of the ceremony, I had gotten up to leave. I told her the reason I left was because of a growing frustration that people were making the experience all about them. They were making noises that I found to be distracting and inconsiderate. During that evening I had felt a very strong connection to God and was feeling pulled away from this connection because of the antics of the people around me. As I was explaining this to her, it struck me that I had also been doing the same thing in my own life. I had been making everything about me. I had been prioritizing attention from others and influence over everything else. I had been consumed by ego seeking behaviour that pulled me away from my connection to God. I had fallen victim to the illusion of power and authority being the main driver required for a successful life. This was what my true frustrations were rooted in and it was being reflected back to me through my physical surroundings. I learned that this is always the case and whether we choose to see it as such is a different matter. The sudden wake up from the dream, Sandra rushing into my room, me feeling compelled to come down here, all of this was part of the process to show me something I wasn’t able to see. I wasn’t in ceremony but The Mother still had lessons She wanted to teach me. It’s quite a large responsibility to accept the fact that our outer world is a mirror reflection of our inner experience. It can be both empowering and confusing. Liberating and imprisoning. Joyous and painful. The choice is up to us, but the Truth is the Truth regardless of our interpretation. I helped put the telescope away and made my way back to my room to get a few more hours of sleep before I woke the following day.

Selecting My Dosage

To be fully transparent, there were many layers to the question I had asked myself pertaining to the dosage I would take during the final ceremony. One was a sense of completeness after the second ceremony; what else did I need to be shown? I had experienced a deep connection to God where all my questions were answered immediately without any delay. I had a direct connection to Him. What else could I possibly need to experience? The second was fear. The previous ceremony started so intensely and was filled with so much discomfort that I was resistant to the chances of that happening again. I knew the answer was to surrender, breathe and trust that if I simply relaxed, I could move past all of it. But the fear of feeling trapped within myself was a very real element I had to consider. Thirdly, I was fatigued. Spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally fatigued. I questioned whether or not I could prepare myself for another experience as intense as the first two. I would have the full day to make my decision. The remainder of that day was spent travelling to a school 45 minutes into the countryside where we played soccer and made food for the children. It was the perfect way to take my mind off of the daunting realization that the 3rd ceremony would begin the following evening. We even got to see baby turkeys running around. Those little things are adorable.

The Day of The Third Ceremony

The following morning I woke up early, meditated, did a light movement session and read my book Conversations With God. I had a discussion with the on-site psychologist regarding my dosage for the final ceremony. We had acknowledged that I had originally come here to do 3 ceremonies and that the teachings each ceremony had to offer were unique. I had understood the layers that were being pulled back and chose not to let fear stop me from going deeper. I decided that I would reduce the dose from 1/2 an ounce to just over 1/4 of an ounce. The duration of the experience remains the same, but the intensity would be slightly less. I wanted to see if I could access the same depth without as much assistance from the medicine. At 6pm, the opening meditation began. We sat in meditation for what felt like 40 minutes. I had to remind myself several times to not focus on negative thoughts or the fears circulating in my mind. Instead I would focus on the feeling of love, the sound of a soft exhale and the feeling of my chest rising as I brought more air into my body. I made it my goal to direct my attention to the level of relaxation required to enter the same state of mind I had experienced just 48 hours ago. Once the meditation came to a close and we were putting our mats away, I made the final call to reduce my dosage to 1/4 of an ounce. I returned to my area and waited for the shaman to enter the room.

We perform the routine cleansing ceremonies and are reminded to receive the medicine with love. I drink the medicine and repeat the prayer I had orchestrated the night before. I say thank you to God and Mother Ayahuasca for the opportunity I have been given. I ask for their support and guidance as I embark on the journey ahead of me. My intention for this ceremony is to remain in the room until the ceremony has come to a close. I send my love outward to everyone and pray for them to have a beautiful experience. Almost immediately I notice a small feeling of regret that I didn’t take enough and feel worried that I will have a mediocre experience. I feel fearful that I won’t be able to make it through the next 6 hours without leaving the room. Will I get bored? Will I become resentful that others are having a powerful experience and I am left with the mundane happenings of everyday reality? The room becomes silent and I slip into the darkness with nothing but my breath to guide me towards my intended destination.

A Flash To The Past

Within the first hour I catch a glimpse in my minds eye of me crying as a baby desperately craving to be held. I am reminded how upon conception, we are pure light. We have no judgements and no expectations; All we are is pure innocence. The moment after conception we become imprinted by the environment of our mothers womb and how she perceives the world around her. Her experience begins to shape us long before we feel conscious enough to understand the realities we will eventually come to know as life. As a baby I was colicky. I would often seek comfort in being held. I would always want up and I would cry relentlessly when I was left alone. In this moment I had brief flashes of understanding where this came from. I was trying to sort out which of this was “mine” and which wasn’t. I had to practice being compassionate towards myself, realizing that the fear I felt as a child was generational and largely outside of my control. After breathing through this and the memory faded, I drew my attention outward to the people physically present in the room with me. I didn’t know what the flashback was for, but by this point I knew to trust that it would be necessary for something I would eventually have to heal. I would find out later in the ceremony exactly what this was. I focussed on praying for those around me along with the people in my life. I thought of my friends, my family, the people who support me in my work and I sent my love to all of them.

The Room Begins To Come Alive.

There is a distinct moment where the effects of the medicine have set in and people begin to have physical reactions to their experience. People begin vomiting, sobbing, moving and voicing outcries. The masters begin to sing and chant, each of their songs constructed based on the individual needs of the people in the room. The facilitators come to the assistance of the people who need help. They check on me and ask if I’m okay. I haven’t felt any distinct effects so far. This is a much different experience compared to the first 2 ceremonies; I am okay. I am present. I am peaceful. I constantly remind myself of the intention I went into this with; to get to the same place with half the dose. To quiet my mind long enough to let God in. To learn whatever the medicine has to teach me and see past the fog that the interpretation of my experiences in this life have created. The ceremony continues like this for a few more hours until I begin to feel uncomfortable for the first time. I feel nauseous. I feel scared. I notice myself consumed by feelings of loneliness. It’s the same feeling I imagined myself as a child experiencing in my mind’s eye just a few hours ago. I knew this was going be the focus for the session; I would need to connect with, comfort and heal the crying boy that’s lived inside of me since I first stepped into the world over 30 years ago.

I had been lying on my back for two-and-a-half hours now where I had been focussing on my breath and sending love to the people in the room. In attempts to relieve the nausea I was feeling, I turned to my side. The nausea got worse. Just breathe Ty. Relax. Don’t fight it. I tried to tell myself that it was okay and that I didn’t need to feel lonely. After all, I was in a room full of people. I thought of the people in my life who loved me; My family, my friends, and God. I kept on trying to refocus my attention towards things I could be grateful for, proud of and happy about. None of this helped. In fact it made it all worse. I had a voice come to me and tell me that I didn’t need to come up with reasons as to why I shouldn’t feel lonely. It told me that strategy was not going to be helpful. Instead, it would be wise to just allow myself to feel what I was feeling. It told me to allow myself to feel lonely with no intention of changing it. In my life as an adult, loneliness has been something I feel often. Facing this feeling head on without trying to find an optimistic viewpoint made me feel lost. I didn’t have an answer. I realized that I do this often: I try to deflect and dismiss this feeling all the time, but it always returns. I knew deep down it would continue to always return because I have never attempted to understand it. If there was a time and a place to finally do that, it was now.

You’re Not Okay, And That’s Fine

I imagined myself as a crying child. I thought about how I would comfort this child if my heart was fully open and I didn’t see this as a problem that needed to be solved. I imagined myself holding this little boy in my arms, rocking it gently from side to side. I imagined myself slowing my breathing to show this child that he was safe. I didn’t use words at all. Instead, I focussed my attention on unconditional love. You can cry my child. You can feel scared. It’s okay. I am here and I will not leave you until you have realized you are loved. The child I was holding was me, and the more I focussed on this intention, the more my nausea subsided. The effects of the ayahuasca were very present. I could see subtle geometrical patterns in the ether around me when I opened my eyes; the air seemed to have shapes. The medicine was showing me something that was deeply rooted inside of me. Something that I have learned to cope with but had never truly healed from. As I pictured myself holding this child who was now falling asleep and showing signs of peace and comfort, my physical symptoms slowly began to dissipate entirely. I stayed with this long after the child fell back asleep. In this moment I had been given the opportunity to give myself the feeling of unconditional love without expectation just as I had recognized I’d never felt before during the first ceremony. I realized I didn’t need it to come from anybody else. Not my mother, my friends or God. I discovered the only way to heal from this was to give it to myself, something I was never able to fully comprehend until this moment.

The Ceremony Comes To A Close

As I continued to hold myself as a child for what seemed like the better part of an hour, I noticed the singing and chanting had come to an end. In my minds eyes, I set the child down in his crib and returned to my back, finally feeling at peace again. What happened next was shocking, but in this moment I felt as if I knew exactly why it happened and what I needed to do. A young man from across the room was very unsettled. His name was Simon. I had felt a connection to him the moment we met just 2 short days ago. I knew he was German and I could tell by his dress and his accent that he was from a small town in Bavaria. I have a warm spot in my heart for this part of the world as I have spent a month living here with a friend of mine and his family. My friend Ben, whom I met while travelling Thailand invited me to Germany a few years ago. I was supposed to go for 3 weeks, but ended up staying for 3 months. During this time, I had travelled to his home town of Unterbaar, a small village located in the south of Germany. His father worked for the local brewery and his mother was a kindergarten teacher. They spoke no english, but words weren’t needed for us to communicate. We ate food, drank beer, played cards and laughed together from morning until night. Sometimes I would escape into the nearby forest and spend the day there looking at the various mushroom species that the lush green landscape had to offer. I felt so at home in this village. I knew I had relatives in Germany who lived there during the 1600’s. When I researched where they were from, it was no surprise to me that they lived just over an hour away from this small village. I knew it felt like home. When I first met Simon and told him about my travels to Unterbaar, he told me he lived in a nearby village 20 minutes away. My intuition was right then, and it was right now. When I heard him struggling, I felt this deep call to help.

You Saved My Life

He was crying. He was saying he was scared and I could see he was kicking his legs. The facilitators had gone over to assist him but it didn’t seem like their efforts were working. After listening to him struggle for 5 more minutes, I had asked one of the therapists if I could go and sit with him. She said it was okay and I got up, walked over to where he was and sat on the floor beside him. I said “Simon, it’s Ty buddy. I’m here” It felt like a test was presented to me from God Himself. The moment I had healed this crying child inside of me, I was given an opportunity to help Simon in the exact same way. Normally I would have made a list of reasons why it wasn’t necessary to help. He’s already got help. I don’t want to bother him. It’s his journey, I should just let him be. I don’t want to overstep. But for some reason my intuition was telling me to do it. Our gut and our heart is always right but often our heads can get in the way. When I got over to him I just placed my hand on his back and told him everything was going to be okay. He looked at me and said, “how did you know this was exactly what I needed?” It was in that moment that I knew my intuition was right. I sat with him for over an hour watching as he began to relax and go back to sleep exactly the same way the child I was holding in my minds eye had just a few moments before. It was clear to me that this was a physical manifestation of the events I had just endured while alone on my mat. The next day he would thank me for “saving his life.”

Over an hour later I told him I was going to return back to my room. He was settled and thanked me for being there. As I left and was walking back to retire for the night I felt another pull to sit and meditate underneath the stars one final time. I sat on the grass with a blanket wrapped around me. I closed my eyes and began to breathe in the same slow and rhythmic fashion as I did during the ceremony. I sat like this for over 40 minutes. I said a prayer and thanked God for being so close to me during the last few days. I said thank you to PachaMama for all of her lessons. As soon as I focussed my attention to PachaMama, the feminine Goddess in ancient Incan traditions, I felt chills run throughout my entire body. I kept my eyes closed knowing that when I opened them this would all be over. I wanted to savour every last moment. Finally I opened my eyes and what I saw next overran my body with emotion and tears of joy. Right there in front of me was the Andean mountains, and sitting just above it was the Crux.

The mountain I was staring at was a very special peak in Sacred Valley. The facilitators had told us about this when we got there. The Crux is a constellation in the southern hemisphere that resembles the cross. I was staring at The Mother and The Father. The Mother who serves as the foundation for everything else to be built upon; the earth beneath our feet which holds us and is always there to support us along our path. The Father stands tall in the night sky, redirecting us whenever we fall off our intended course; Something to strive towards, reach for and to follow whenever we feel lost. All of the teachings I had experienced over the past 5 days had been displayed perfectly for me to see, right there the entire time. I sat in awe staring at the clarity of this symbolic message with a smile on my face. Tomorrow would come and it would be a brand new day; All I would have to do is Remember.

Integration

It’s been over 2 weeks since my last ceremony. I would be lying if I said I had been in a permanent state of bliss since then. I have so many questions about what the next 10 years of my life will look like. I have continued my meditation practice, I have talked to God everyday, I’ve been praying regularly and I’ve been writing. I went to work with my dad, I booked calls with all of my clients and I have remained conscious of my egotistical tendencies. All of this has served as the backbone required to maintain the connection to God I had felt throughout these 5 days.

Going into this journey, I had two main intentions:

1. Show me the things I am unable to see that are limiting me. I am here now in the present moment but I can see so clearly where I know I can get to. I asked the medicine to show me which parts of my garden needed to be tended to in order to make that happen.

2. I promised myself that whatever I was shown, I would do; Even if that meant my life did a complete 180.

Surrendering what is familiar to make room for what is necessary is something I am finding very challenging. Right now all I want to do is write. I question whether or not a change in direction is due to me following my heart or if it just means I am giving up on myself in hopes of something new giving me a “better” outcome. This medicine didn’t wait to start sending me messages after the first ceremony. I knew the moment I signed up for this retreat that a contract had been initiated. Almost immediately after making this decision I noticed a shift. After the last ceremony it was apparent that things would continue to do the same, and they have. The ball is rolling so to speak, and rolling with it is something I find very challenging to do. I have learned that the medium through which I pursue my vision doesn’t hold nearly as much weight as I once thought. Life is a process that we try to understand with logical reasoning, but more often than not I find myself too shortsighted to see the full picture. There are components of life that we cannot run from no matter how hard we try. We can live a “good life” without addressing any of these things. We can make large sums of money. We can gain tremendous influence. We can climb the endless latter of social hierarchy. What I have learned is that none of this will ever feel complete if we are not healed. Healing looks different for everyone and I do not have a step by step approach in which to attain it. I do however know what it looks like for me. I know the things that I need to do. I am clear on the foundational roots that need to be mended so that I can feel and experience life to the capacity I know is possible. There are lessons lurking in every corner of life and God is willing to show you everything you need to see. He is compassionate, loving, forgiving and patient to a degree that cannot be described as anything other than unconditional and infinite.

I have learned my purpose in this lifetime has nothing to do with anything outside of My Self. It’s not my job, my income, my teachings, my legacy or anything of the sort. It is purely to remember where I came from; to get back to the innocence and the unconditional love I entered the world with. I know that when I focus my attention on this and this alone, I will be fully supported along my process. I will be given everything I have ever wanted without the struggle. I am here first and foremost to be a living representation of what we all truly are; Love. That is the only thing that will ever be True.

Thank you so much for taking this ride with me. My life has undoubtedly changed because of this experience. These writings have been the first small steps towards my new destination.

With all the love in my heart,

Ty.